GQ: You and Burt Reynolds coincidently arrive at a brothel in Thailand at the same time and you’re both interested in the same prostitute. Coincidently. Who gets first dibs?
Sterling Archer: Man, if I had a dollar for every time (I’ve wished that) this happened to me… I’d probably have about forty dollars. Which, coincidentally, is also the going rate for a half-and-half at my favorite Thai brothel. And not only would I defer to Burt, I’d also probably just choose a different girl; how do you follow an act like that?
GQ: The Second World’s Greatest Spy…in the World invites you to dinner at a restaurant that’s surrounded by a pool of alligators and crocodiles. If you accept, he might poison you. If you decline, he calls you a “scaredy-cat.” What’s the appropriate response?
Sterling Archer: “Sticks and stones.” By which I mean I would arrive at the restaurant with a bunch of rocks in my pockets, wielding a bõ staff. After pummeling this wannabe with both, I would then use the bõ staff to pole vault over the monster-filled pool. That, or just not go.
Q: You know how to say, “I am a secret agent. Will you have sex with me?” in over two dozen languages. How do you convince a foreigner to participate if she speaks none of them?
Sterling Archer: I carry a laminated fold-out in my wallet with DOT pictograms of various sexual positions.